Words

You know that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" ? As kids we used to hear that all the time as encouragement to not take mean words to heart. An effort to reduce negative reactions to bullying and kids being kids. But I never figured out how to not let words hurt me. Instead I would just turn off the sad emotion altogether. Eventually I found Yoga and that helped me learn to let go of hurtful words. But if you say something meaningful or hurtful to me, I will probably never forget how it made me feel.

This year Linh introduced to me the theory of 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.In short, there are 5 ways people express and receive love: Physical Touch, Word of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Quality Time. Everyone places value on each way differently. For instance you might really value when someone does something for you. Another person might get more happiness from receiving a gift rather than if you did something for them. So in learning about this theory and trying to get to know myself and what I value, I've realized that I place a lot of value on what people say to me. If someone tells me I did something wrong, then I will feel horrible. My friend Gen always says she wants to see me and I feel really warm and fuzzy when she says so. However I'm pretty bad at expressing words of affirmation back to people. Chapman says that people don't always give love the same way they want to receive love and that is true for me. I would rather cook them dinner or help them with something.

I've tried to pay attention to how others give and receive love. Gen likes to give love through words, Sheree doesn't place much value on hugs or touch, Arch hates gifts and would rather you hang out with him. I think that knowing yourself is key to being able to live and work with others. Everyone is unique and knowing how to take care of yourself will ensure your own happiness. Here's to the search for happiness.

Relationships

I'm home for 2 weeks. It's been 5 days and already I feel more "complete". There's nothing like being around people that have known you for a long time. The relationship you unknowingly worked on through the years pays off when you renew it year after year. This is what it is like to be an adult. Your life is your own and relationships become work instead of a natural day to day action.

When I moved to LA it was in kind of  haste to move on with my career. I got there, focused on my work for 6 months and made little effort to pursue hobbies and make friends. When I couldn't take it any more I joined Bikerowave and my world opened up quickly. I started hanging out more with friends of friends, cousins and work friends. Half the world doesn't know what they want to do with their life, so they get stuck doing something unfulfilling. I always wondered how they found balance or motivation to keep doing what they do. The answer? Friends. Be friends a distraction or support, they help you get through your stressful day. They provide perspective, laughs, and a mental get away. Since being more on my own in LA I've realized that I think more about myself because I'm used to being alone and having to worry about myself. Felt selfish. The past few months my life had become so routine, so set up. Every day had a set amount of chores or events. But being in Houston, having to consider others in my life now, waiting on them, taking care of them. The last 5 days have gone by so fast. 

Anyway my point is that I've been trying to work on so many things in the past year: cycling, yoga, Spanish, career, drawing, and cooking. I felt like gaining skills was something I really needed to do, but now I see that I have neglected the relationships. I need to include more people in my life. People and the relationships you create are what make you feel alive. They vary your days. They make you feel angry, sad, happy, content. They make you feel. They need your help and you need theirs. 

This year I'm going to work on my relationships.
Happy New Year friends. 

100th Post

One hundred posts ago I started writing about getting healthy. Exercising, eating right, and above all mental health. Since then I have studied nutrition (on my own and through school), become mostly vegetarian, cycled 4000 miles (more or less), run 5ks, 10ks, half marathons, and a marathon. I've tried I don't know how many sports: capoiera, swimming, snowboarding, hip hop, modern dance, swing, salsa, aerial, pole, etc. I'm going to be a yoga teacher.

Beyond the physical, I think I've become mentally stable. I used to walk into classes feeling self conscious and shy; I would worry more about what others thought of me than how I was doing. I would always compare myself to the better people. Today it doesn't matter how good or bad I am because I've fully realized that it doesn't matter. I'm focused on doing what I can do in that moment, good or bad. No one actually cares how bad I look. I am my worst critic, so why should I keep beating myself up. I've accepted that it's okay to not progress sometimes. I've accepted that I will want to stop doing something I love, but I can come back to it later with just as much love. Most of all I've stopped feeling like I should be the best. Learning to let go of all the negativity in my mind has been the healthiest thing I've ever done. 

It's hard to imagine the old me, but refreshing to realize that I've accomplished a good deal in the last four years. I'm glad I'm here, and I hope it only keeps getting better. 

Oh yea, Cycling is better than Partying

This weekend served as a good reminder as to why I stopped going out and why I love cycling.

Friday night was just an all day happy hour extravaganza ending up at some club on Washington. It had been a while since I had more than 1 drink consecutively and they were not that great. For a gastro lounge I was disappointed. It was actually fun during the fact. I had a good time listening to music and chatting with old acquaintances. There was plenty of wild and it reminded me that I like it wild.

But when I woke up at 1pm the next day I was like. Shit. No I didn't have a hang over. I had just slept the whole day away. I wanted to wake up early to go cycling. Instead I pressed snooze one too many times and then my whole day was gone. To put it simply. I was pissed. Mad at myself for letting it happen. Mad at myself for giving into peer pressure. Horrible.

Today though. Today was a cycling day. I registered last minute for the Continental Cycling Classic and got up at 515am for the ride. 67 miles of beautiful weather, rolling hills through Sam Houston National Park and good friends. They keep our pace above 15 and made riding all the more fun. That was the best ride I've had in a long time. Got home at a late 4pm and fell into an exhausted sleep. This is the kind of day you want to have. At the end you feel so accomplished, healthy and hungry. Everything is twice as good after a long ride. Showers are warmer. The bed is more comfortable. Food is more tasty. Why would I give up something like this?

Not to knock down partying. But that I will be doing only on special occasions. I still like it, just...I would rather wake up ridiculously early and ride. This weekend reminded why I chose cycling over clubs.

A Little Self Reflection

The other day someone called me "athletic", and I said "what are you talking about? I'm not athletic." He gave me a look and I paused. Wait. I guess I am.

If you had asked me two years ago what my hobbies were, they would include video games, watching tv, and eating. I never imagined that I would be able to ride 25 miles in a day let alone 1.5hrs. I think my fastest mile before 2009 was around 14 mins and I definitely couldn't run the whole thing.

As a child I was always the slowest one in PE. The least adept at volley ball, basket ball, soccer, any sport basically. I tried powder puff in college and that never went well. I have a hospital visit, chest X-ray and a CAT scan to prove it. And my knees always hurt. Lots of motivation to not be athletic.

Turns out I was doing the wrong sport.

It really goes to show that you need to experience a lot of things before you can really say "that's not my thing". And when you find something you really love; it can turn the whole picture around.

Ithaca

So this past weekend I took a flex trip to go see my brother who's doing his PhD at Cornell. It was a good weekend. I love the 4.5 day work week that comes with traveling. Fridays are practically half days and low stress, so it makes the weekend feel long and relaxing. I can't remember the last time I felt that I had so much time on my hands I didn't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, there was plenty to do in Ithaca and the town has already grown on me. It takes about 10-15 mins to get anywhere you want to go, and you can pick from star gazing to farmers markets, to downtown. It's that small and complete. You can walk down the street to get food and ride your bike out your front door. I didn't do a good job taking pictures, so you'll have to be satisfied with photos from google images.

I think the visit did a good job stabilizing my mental health. I liked the small community feel, the intelligent conversation and the green culture. Not to mention being able to ride out the door for a good hilly ride.

Now these hills are not like Austin at all. Think a mixture of the Bechtel challenge and Austin city hills. Then double the height of those hills. There was also one really really steep hill. I didn't go on that one but it was there inviting me to. All the other hills were manageable, just tall. My brother's friend lent me his Felt, which thankfully had a triple chain ring. His lab mates took me out for a 20 mile ride complete with a tall hill and some nice flats. It was a good ride. Before that was pretty crazy tho, I had a flat the day before while riding the bike back to my brother's apt and then two more flats before we really got on our 20 mile ride. 3 flats! on my back wheel! so now I'm much better at changing flats. Woo!

Pursuit of Happiness

Empty. Is where I'm at. Is how I feel this week.

MS 150 is over. I haven't signed up for any races or made any goals. I kind of don't want to. I feel like I'm just kicking around a soccer ball. Kick...run...kick...run...kick...run...sit. I went for a run today, but I just didn't feel like running. I tried but ended up walking most of the loop.

I'm restless. Looking for the cream filling.

I think tomorrow I'll take my bike out and clear my head.

Carbs and Clarity

So this is the week before the MS 150. Wah! I got my bike last Friday and have been making fit adjustments - shifted my cleats, moved the seat, got a shorter stem. It is feeling much much better, but I am still unsure about feeling perfect on the ride. I guess I will see. All this week I've also been stuff my face with pasta. I think after this is done I'll probably eat my weight in pasta to recharge and then go on hiatus.

Also since last Friday as my bike is fitting better and better, my anxiety is decreasing. I am calmer and can think more clearly. I remember things better and can think more outwardly. It's awesome. I think once this ride is over and I can tell I have no pain then I will be content. Like SUPER content. Especially with my job lining up the way I want it to, things are great. Finally!

My Epic Bike Saga

As the MS 150 gets closer and closer, I am getting more an more anxious about getting my new bike. I really need something that fits me so that I can ride comfortably and well during the 180 miles. Here's a quick time line of my Bike Saga:

Feb 2009 - Bought Jamis Ventura Sport
Apr 2009 - 2009 MS 150, cut in half due to rain out, becomes MS 75
May 2009 - Confirm that bike is too big and need a smaller frame
May 2009 - Bought a used Scott Speedster S20
Sept 2009 - Scott Speedster stolen from garage, devastated
Sept 2009 - Searched everywhere, went to police stations, never found my Scott
Nov 2009 - Accepted the loss, and the search for a new bike begins
Nov-Dec 2009 - Visited nearly every bike shop in Houston/Sugarland/Waller/etc
Jan 2010 - Decided on the 2010 Pinarello FP2, put down a deposit, was told to wait til Mar
Feb 2010 - Was told bike would be here mid Feb
Mid Feb 2010 - No bike, wait til Mar
Mar 2010 - No bike, wait til mid Mar
Mid Mar 2010 - No bike, keep waiting
End Mar 2010 - Still no bike, call distributor, distributor says Apr 12th
WTF - RAWR
Apr 7, 2010 - Still waiting...pretty spent...getting fed up...

And the waiting continues. I feel like it's sucking the passion out of me. Once I started biking, I was pretty obsessed with the whole scene. I was riding every weekend. I did at least one charity ride a month, and even got into watching the big 3 tours. When my bike was stolen, I lost my appetite for 3 days and carried around tons of anxiety, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. It was like I got dumped or my dog died. Seriously. I still am carrying that anxiety, even though I still have my Jamis, it's not that fun to ride. It's heavy and too long for my short stature. My friend Mark said it and I think it's true, that I won't be OK until I replace my Scott. So I tried. I'm still trying to replace it. But the world has not yet swung in my favor. My past few rides have not been so fun, so now I'm wondering if it will ever be fun again.

It's like being in a relationship and wondering if you should break up.

I miss my Scott.

Workout Log

3 miles around Hermann Park w/ J-pai. Lots of new things to see there, check it out.





On a mental note, I felt like I lost my will to run as I have been lazy about running during the week. Also during our run this morn, I felt kind of bleh and wondered if signing up for the Half Marathon in April was a mistake. But I mentioned Terry Hershey Park being 13 miles and Janice was like "That's like a half marathon, we can do that!" And immediately, I thought...Hey! We totally can! After a few mins I came to and said, maybe we can try 4 miles next week instead of 13...haha...but I have to say I think her initiative and optimism brought me back to where I should mentally be.

Thanks, J-pai.